I was four or five when I noticed a cutout of a woman holding Bud Light outside a restaurant. I asked my dad, “Why is that woman in a swimsuit holding beer? Is she a waitress there?” My dad answered, “No. That’s Kathy Ireland. She’s a model.” “I don’t get it.” “She’s paid to promote Bud Light. She’s a pretty lady that makes people want to buy that beer.” “So she gets money just to stand there with something and get her picture taken!? That’s awesome! Could I do that?” “Sure.”
And I believed him! I got so excited at the idea and decided I wanted to “model” when I grew up! I could hold beer. Hell, I could hold beer and pizza. Whatever. I had hands. I could smile. And I mean, my parents told me all the time I was pretty! With such a perfect plan laid out for my future, I wouldn’t even need to go to school! I could continue hanging out at home watching cartoons until I was old enough to start working full time.
Of course, my parents didn’t agree with the plan and made me start school. And there I quickly realized I wasn’t model pretty. I wasn’t pretty at all, actually. I knew I’d be lucky to not get sent off to live under a bridge with the other troll people and felt like an idiot for thinking I was going to be a model. I am ugly and my dad is a liar.
If I have a daughter and she ever asks me if she can model I’ll answer, “Probably not. Look at me! You think I could model? You’re lucky someone was willing to have sex with me so you could be born.” Even if she’s got potential because I’ll want my children to aim low.
I went to the Midwest this past week. Wisconsin and Iowa. Both hot, humid, rainy. Saw my mother for a day, which wasn’t enough time, but I never have enough time with her. Spent the rest of the trip with a boy and his family. They were great and I had a wonderful time.
But the problem: I was away from the internet for over a week! I didn’t get to check this tumblr site I’m always thinking about! No facebook updates! No strange porn sites! No cat or dog or cute bird videos! And I’m not a baby. This shouldn’t be a problem- I know that, but for some reason being away from the internet has made me very bitter. I just want to sit alone and read paper books now. The thought of having to go to work or talk to people makes me so angry and I turn beet red before bursting into tears. I scream and throw any objects within my reach. I strip down to my underwear and run down my street kicking anyone that comes close. I throw rocks through windows of local businesses and set fires to expensive cars. I make statues of famous European explorers out of trash and try to sell them outside Ralphs for $40 each and pull a knife out when I’m told “No, I don’t want to buy your trash pile”
I’m going to fight through this and just accept that the internet keeps me at least a little happy and allows me to be positive at times.
What this means for everyone else is… I will continue to post about animals and farts. Sorry or you’re welcome. either way, I’ve missed you
Why when challenge number #3 "Draw your favorite food" You chose to draw foods with an S rather than food with a D? I feel this challenge has not been met yet. So we are kicking you out of cartoon class.
Dear Mr. Novak,
How dare you come to my tumblr page and attempt to kick me out of cartoon class? I like a lot of foods. I can’t pick a favorite, alright?
ALSO- I know for a fact you are not in charge of kicking people out of this class. Mr. Darsdale is in control of that and I cleared my drawing with him before posting. “Mr. Darsdale” I said, “Is it cool that I drew foods instead of just one food?” And he answered, “Of course, Kelsy! I’d have to be some sort of smelly nit-picky jerk to say no!” “Thanks, Mr. D!” and before I left he stopped me to tell me I’m beautiful and then he gave me fifty dollars.
If you meant to type “fat” instead of “fart”, that’s a stupid question because you know why people are fat. If you meant “far” instead of “fart” that question’s stupid too. Far relative to what? Don’t be an idiot.
But if you really are asking why I’m fart, I understand why you want to remain anonymous. That’s a really serious question and unfortunately, I don’t know the answer. I’ve gone to doctors, therapists, psychologists, healers, a shaman, and the man who lives behind the 7-11 dumpster by me who says he’s from the future. No one knows why I’m fart. I’ve just learned to live with it. And to make it look fucking gooood.
I remember one night when I was around six years old. My family was going out for dinner to this pizza place called Pizza Hut. Now I fucking hated Pizza Hut. I wanted to go to this burger place called Wendy’s because Wendy’s had a salad bar. And big surprise- nobody else wanted Wendy’s because it was Wendy’s. So walking to the car on our way to Pizza Hut I looked up at the sky all pouty and happened to catch a shooting star. Right then I thought, “I wish we were eating at Wendy’s tonight”. Got in the car, drove to Pizza Hut, and for some reason, I think it was too busy, we didn’t go there to eat. We went to Wendy’s instead. Booyah. In the middle of eating my salad I remembered wishing on that shooting star and I thought, “Holy fucking shit. I wasted my wish on Wendy’s salad bar. You fucking idiot!! I hate you!! This salad bar isn’t even fucking good! It’s god damn awful, you piece of shit!”** I was convinced the cosmos were responsible for Pizza Hut being too busy and for making Wendy’s more appealing to my parents. I was so sure I fucked it up.
Now I know that wishing on a shooting star didn’t get me dinner at Wendy’s. That’s silly. But I do still believe that when given huge opportunities I’m going to fuck them up somehow.
Kyle sits 4 feet from me at work. If he really wanted to know if its difficult being brain damaged (i bet it is!!) he’d ask. BUT he didn’t really want to know! He just wanted me to post this so I could show everyone how funny he is. Here you go, Kyle! Here you go, everyone: Kyle is….. not very funny. FUCK YOU, KYLE!