So I was already sweaty on my ears from wearing one of those big headsets. My work makes me wear them all day. See, I’m a customer service representative for ITF (Innovative Technology Fundamentals) and I answer a lot of calls and have to do a lot of typing at the same time. I’m a problem solver so I tried to bring in my own headset because its smaller and a nicer color and has great reception, but the boss at the time, Mr. Peterson, made me switch back to the big headset. And I thought he was wrong, but I still switched back because I’m not a troublemaker. Like one time I brought in scented candles and air freshener and Mr. Peterson told me to throw them out because they might bother other people. The smell of burnt hair bothers me and that’s what it smells like in here without the candles, but I got rid of them because I don’t cause trouble. I won’t stop problem solving even though Mr. Peterson turned down most my ideas… I mean sometimes I think he knew he was going to tell me no even before I told him my idea. But I’m just the type of person who can’t stop trying to improve. 

Anyway, I was sweaty from the headset and anxious to get home to my dvr (I have like 14 new episodes of “extreme hand wavers”) when I got a call from this woman with a complaint about one of our scan matics in the Bleepy’s shopping center on Perp Ave. I don’t want to sound like an ass, but I hate when women call in. I think they just call for something to bitch about when they’re on their period or without a date because they never have real complaints. “the machine was too dirty” “my scan wasnt fast enough” “I dont like the screen layout” blah blah. So this woman surprised me when she told me the scan matic at Bleepy’s read “fuck you” on the screen. That’s a good reason to complain, but hard to believe. I told her the scan matics would never malfunction in that way and she said she had a photo, which I asked her to email me. The photo she sent looked real to me- and I know photoshop pretty well (my sister had me erase one of her sons out of a photo and she was happy with it). So I apologized and assured her we’d get people out there right away to fix the machine. I was writing up the work order, when Mr. Peterson asked me into his office to meet his teenaged daughter, Tina. I thought he was introducing us because I was such a great worker, but nope. It turned out that Tina was the one who called about the scan matic reading fuck you. It turned out Mr. Peterson and his tramp daughter were playing a stupid prank on me! They laughed and laughed. It was then that I realized the biggest problem at the company wasn’t the smell or the headsets, it was Mr. Peterson. So after waiting for everyone to leave for the night, I went into Mr. Peterson’s office and smothered him with a plastic bag I found on a coworker’s desk. Because I’m a problem solver. When I’m done pretending to be boss (I’m sitting typing at his desk right now! :) ) I’ll go get a new plastic bag to replace the one I took because I’m not a troublemaker.